


Daniel Drives

by quercus



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-07-25
Updated: 2001-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-05 12:10:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quercus/pseuds/quercus





	Daniel Drives

Daniel drives.

He doesn't drive much these days. Not for the past few years, really. He'd given up his car a few months before that last disastrous conference, just before he'd been invited to join Catherine in her work on the stargate. And now, well. Not as though he'd be driving on planet P3X-wherever-they-might-be. Nor on the base. And it wasn't far to his apartment. So, no. He didn't drive much these days.

But he's driving now. West. Heading toward the setting sun hidden by heavy purple clouds piled up like whipped cream, threatening rain and difficult driving. The purple was a bit streaked with green, which he thinks might mean something, except he isn't a meteorologist.

Maybe he should get another doctorate, in meteorology. Might come in handy on some world sometime. He tries to imagine himself back in school, sitting in neat rows with other students, listening to a lecture. Meeting for study groups and coffee. Almost against his wishes, he smiles at the image. Yeah.

He sighs and leans his head to the left, enjoying the air whipping into his face and hair. Which needs cutting again, but that's for another day. Today is for driving.

He isn't sure where he's driving. The impulse had taken him, sudden and fierce, a deep need to be away, anywhere but where he was. Maybe to San Francisco. He's on I-80; he's pretty sure that will get him there in a couple days. Just keep heading west. See what happens. Drive until he couldn't see anymore, then find some cheap hotel and pull over. Something greasy to eat, a quick shower, a few hours sleep, and then back in his car, heading west. Heading away, really. He just happens to be going west at the moment. Maybe he'll turn north. Canada sounds nice. Or south, to Mexico. Into the sun, back to the desert.

But the desert holds too many memories. No. He'd go west or north. Not south, and certainly not east, back where he'd last been humiliated. He'd disappeared as if from the face of the earth, which actually he had, and harbors no desire to return. He'd gone once, of course, for his mentor's funeral, and look what a mess that had turned into. No. West was best.

So Daniel drives into the night, off the edge of the continent, away, always away. From SGC, certainly. The politics were getting thicker than the System Lords, and nearly as nasty. Daniel has never been a political person, although he's learning. He'd watched George Hammond navigate through some deep waters, and what he'd learned was that George wasn't going to be able to keep his head above the waterline much longer. And that didn't bode well for SGC, SG-1, or for Daniel himself.

And he drives away from SG-1, too, to be honest, which Daniel strives for, painfully strives for. From Teal'c, whom he loves despite the pain Teal'c has wrought in his life. But sometimes the memories are too strong, and Teal'c's quiet presence feels too much like a memorial to all that Daniel has lost.

And, most of all, he drives away from Sam and Jack. SamandJack, they're becoming, against all regulations. Against Daniel's wishes. He loves Sam; she's the big sister he never had, and the fellow geek with whom he can communicate most clearly. They get along so well it's scary, and have since the beginning. But now.

Now Daniel drives. Away from her, and away from Jack. From Jack who has turned from Daniel to Sam, or so it seems to Daniel who turns the radio on in hopes of diverting his attention from this stream of consciousness but finding only static and staticky country-western music is forced to snap it off and sink back into his thoughts.

From Jack. Whom Daniel also loves, and has loved for a long time. Has loved many ways. Has loved in spite of the things Jack has done to him, as well as for the things Jack has done for him. The big strong man, tough as nails, cynical, sarcastic, rude, and a major pain in the ass. And Daniel loves him more than he realized one could love someone. The mercy of Jack's presence in his life has, Daniel knows, saved his life. Not only in dramatic moments, with Goa'uld attacking them or hostile natives threatening them or military assholes harassing him, but in simpler, smaller ways. Taking him home, when he had nowhere else to go. To dinner, and a hockey game, or a movie.

Hugging him. Daniel treasures those moments. He holds them in his heart like pictures in his hand, to be reviewed and remembered. A warm embrace and comfort whispered in his ear. Jack's hand lingering on his face. Even a brief kiss, pressed to Daniel's temple. His heart thumps erratically at the memory, and he grips the steering wheel tighter.

Just drive, Daniel. Just drive and don't think.

But how can he not? This is why he's driving. He's leaving Jack. He has to leave Jack, because Jack is leaving him, leaving him for Sam. He watches them together. Sam is so flattered by Jack's attention, and why not? Who wouldn't be? Jack is an honest-to-god hero. He has literally saved the earth. He's handsome, funny, sexy. Of course Sam would turn to him, even aliens turn to him, just as Daniel had.

So Daniel drives, and the wind in his face draws tears from his eyes. It's dark enough he has to turn the lights on now, but he doesn't want to. He likes slipping through the darkness, the wind smelling of rain and wild grasses. His throat is so tight he can barely swallow, and his heart still thumps erratically.

Daniel is, above all else, an honest man. He knows why he is driving west, alone, without permission to leave the base, without requesting time away, without telling Jack. Mostly it's because he can't watch Jack watch Sam one minute more. Not without something happening, and Daniel doesn't let things happen. He leaves. So he's leaving now.

But he knows, he admits to himself, that he's also leaving with the hope that Jack will follow. Jack will see the error of his ways and come for Daniel. Rescue me, he thinks, and smiles again. Daniel can always smile at himself.

He's changed so much because of Jack. Turned himself into an efficient fighting machine. He carries a gun now, and not just a little handgun in case he gets in trouble. No, he's cleared to carry a P90, just like Jack and Sam do. He uses it well. He understands Jack's little hand signals now, and can even use them himself. All these changes are due to Jack.

No, Daniel tells himself. Be honest. All these changes are due to yourself changing in the hopes of pleasing Jack. Of gaining his approval and getting his attention. And it works, to an extent. Jack hasn't called him Plant Boy or Geek in a long time. Not even Space Monkey, and isn't that an odd endearment. But Daniel had treasured it, along with all the other moments with Jack. Moments that will, apparently, come no more.

Yet still he drives. To prove to himself that, whatever they had or almost had, is over. It died unborn.

The love that dare not say its name! he says to himself, and smiles again. Daniel is all too good at laughing at himself. He knows this, too, and knows he laughs because he's crying.

"I miss you," he says aloud, but that makes it worse, so he swallows firmly, sniffs, and drives.

Jack probably will find him. Chase him down, ream him out, drag him back to the base. He'll probably be punished; the military punishes people. But they do it openly. You get a note in your file, your pay docked, restricted to base, and that's it. Everybody knows; nobody cares.

But people punish you differently. They pretend everything is okay but it isn't okay, it's *awful*. And then they look at you with pity, only they call it compassion. And Jack will do that. Jack will be sorry. Jack is an honest man, too, and although Daniel doesn't know what Jack thought existed between them, he will know that it has changed, and that the change has hurt Daniel. Daniel knows that much about Jack.

And he knows that Jack won't be what Daniel so desperately wants him to be. He won't rescue him this time. He can't. He's busy rescuing Sam, letting her gaze up at him adoringly, making sly jokes to her, private jokes that Daniel hears but cannot understand.

So. Daniel will be back in a couple days, chastised by Jack and George, worried over by Teal'c and Sam and maybe even Janet. And he'll sit in his office and work on the translations he should be working on tonight, or study MALP and UAV readings, or stare into space and think about Jack teasing him, chivvying him, hugging him. And then there'll be another mission, and something will happen, and Jack will rescue him, but it'll be too late, too late. Because Daniel will have driven away from Jack, farther than Jack can go this time. Farther even than Abydos, and this gate is buried so deep that no one will ever find it again.

Daniel drives.


End file.
